she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
