I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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