I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
