apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
