I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
