I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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