the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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