Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
