So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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