Who wears a wallet chain?!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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