$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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