Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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