what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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