did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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