he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
