i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
