Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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