You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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