He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
