Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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