Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
