My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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