Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize