my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
