Soap is not a condiment
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i love accidental penises.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize