i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize