you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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