Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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