i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
