Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
