today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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