you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
