I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
