Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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