"it" just moved
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
