if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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