Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize