I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
