Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
