If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
