I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
