youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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