I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
