I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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