I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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