The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have fence marks all over my body
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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