Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize