when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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