i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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