Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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