I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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