life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
