i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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