hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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