I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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