The maid of honor just puked.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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