I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
