I wish I could teleport
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize