i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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