you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
