Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
