I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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