after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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