His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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