My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
